Newly.Wed: HIS day

by kerri
We graduated from college last weekend. And by “we” I mean I graduated three years ago but Matt did last weekend, so now we’re complete. As a couple, we were in limbo for awhile as Matt was working to catch-up with me (I was insane and took a gazillion credits each semester to graduate early).

So, this was Matt’s accomplishment. Of course, I was there for every moment of it, editing papers when he asked or checking on the outcomes of his tests--so it kinda felt like my accomplishment, too. But I didn’t write those papers or take those tests. So, to be honest, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do during all of the events that led up to his graduation.
Plan the parties?
Defer to his family?

Ultimately, I just decided to let Matt dictate my role – if he wanted me to do something I did it, but mostly, I just let him do what he wanted.

When HIS day finally rolled around last weekend, I found myself balancing awkwardly on that line between "him" and "we." I mean, we are getting married in less than four months, so I am used to getting a lot of attention at special events. People ask questions about our wedding, honeymoon and plans for the future. And I have no problem talking about myself (ask the grocery checker at King Soopers). But this time--at Matt's occasion--I found myself kind of at a loss for words.

I know I might sound like a self-centered brat (and I am, admittedly), but for Matt’s day, I didn’t want to be that person. So I wasn’t. I chatted with almost-strangers about Matt’s new job and how much he seems to love it. I talked about his last semester of school and how hard Matt labored to finish while also working. I gushed about how cute he looks in a hardhat. And I celebrated Matt (even if my natural reaction was more of sigh of relief than a shout for joy). Because that is what you do for a Singleton’s event in a Coupledom.

Matt has celebrated with me in my events (graduating from college, finding my first grown-up job, getting a good haircut), and he has allowed me to show (or forcefully tell) him how I’d like for him to celebrate with me. And last weekend I had the chance to do the same for him, and it showed me how how important that is. It was Matt’s day. I’m just blessed to be able to share with him. And he should get to do things how he wants to (even if it involved multiple post-midnight returns to our home). When it's about me, I might do it differently (like with Champagne instead of beer), but at the end of the day, I’m just lucky to have someone to celebrate with.

Besides, "my day" is coming up soon enough. Four months to be exact. I'll be the one wearing white.

Newly.Wed: the Big Merger

by kerri
May I just say, good or bad, in relationships many things are related to money. Maybe it doesn't speak well of our society or maybe it does. But the truth of things is love is not enough to sustain a marriage/relationship. It helps; it makes you more willing to try new things or put up with things you NEVER would have without it. But we need to have food and shelter and shoes. (Matt would disagree with one of those. Can you guess which?)

I bring this up because recently we took one of the biggest steps in our relationship: joint checking. To the outside world, I realize this doesn't seem all that big of a deal; however, we've been dating for A Long Time and we have become set in our ways with regards to our personal finances. I am a diligent (read: mildly obsessive) checkbook-balancer, constantly making sure my balance matches the bank's. Matt checks his balance every time he makes a deposit or withdrawal at the ATM. I use debit cards, Matt uses cash Only. You get the picture. Fortunately, we are both successful at keeping track of our money and agree on budgets and spending patterns. But getting a hang of doing it Together is very interesting indeed.

Budgeting isn't easy for anyone I don't think. Because there is always something out there to be purchased - the new Gran Turismo game for Matt, a lovely jersey print for me. But it's important for both of us (once again - thank goodness that we agree on this) that we spend conservatively and are both aware of our expenses. Everybody finds a different system that works for them, and we are slowly but surely finding ours. I just got off the phone with Matt after paying off some major bills this weekend. He asked me (in three different ways, mind you) if I made sure to include ALL of the things we paid off in my balance.

Yes Matt, I added our deposits and subtracted our payments.
Yes Matt, I included that check in my balance.
No Matt, I did not write so many checks on things that we are now negative money and required to wash dishes at the bank to work it off!
Jeez!

I digress. I love that we are taking equal roles in this venture into joint checking. I love that we feel equally responsible to each other and our running balance to check in with each other about the status of our money. And I seriously love that we are starting our financial marriage (because let's face it, marriage is the biggest financial commitment we will ever make) on the right foot with good habits, very little debt (in the name of my lovely little Toyota Corolla, Glenda) and the desire for a partnership.

Now, to convince a certain someone that a ten-day St. Lucian honeymoon is totally fiscally responsible and Necessary...

Newly.Wed: Introducing a Column on Relationships

by kerri
When Stephanie posted the “teaser” on her blog for this column, I hadn’t even started working on it yet. Fortunately, the picture of the two vases [below] really struck me and gave me the inspiration I needed to get started.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the thought, Why can’t he be more like me? in regards to my fiancé. Matt and I are finally getting married this September – we’ve been dating for more than eight years – and the amount of arguments we’ve participated in over the years is literally uncountable. It’s the nature of intimate relationships – to care enough about each other to want to be on the same page and to find it next to impossible to do so.
The vases made me think about my relationship. They are equal in every way – same footing, same volume, same color. (For the record, Matt and I are Not equal – he has size 11’s, I have size 6’s; he’s 6’2”, I’m 5’2”. We both do have brown hair and green eyes though, so pretty equal.) The life of theses containers is stable and predictable. In other words, Boring.

My relationship (and I’m guessing yours too) is only boring when we try really hard to make it that way (like on a Saturday afternoon of napping after a particularly overwhelming week). And even then, it's not really boring or predictable, because while I might want to lay on the couch in quiet and nap, Matt is wanting to watch five sporting events on TV simultaneously (and keeping a running commentary on each). What happens next? You guessed it--an argument ensues. Nothing major or life-altering, but day-and-mood-altering, nonetheless.
Going back to the vases, what fills me up in life and in my relationships is not always the same for Matt. I like to spend quality time together and have meaningful talks with each other. Matt wants to lay on the couch to cuddle and watch movies (notice the lack of talking?). Our differences make for challenges for sure, but they also expand our experience and make us do things that we wouldn’t always think to do. And we find fulfillment in unexpected ways. Even if my words outnumber Matt’s by about a million.
We keep predictability in our lives on purpose – we long for stability. But the things we don’t expect or don’t go quite as we planned--the things that seem to get in the way and wreck the routines we’ve worked so hard to establish--are the things that make it interesting and worth the work. Matt doesn’t like that he’s really started to be the laundry fairy (as I affectionately call him), but he does like all the kissing that comes as my thanks and gratitude after finding my favorite blue hoodie clean and hanging up in my closet. And the moments that we don’t expect from big manly men (like when Matt does everything in his power to make our 5 pound dog fall asleep on his chest) make our days brighter and our hearts fall more in love every day.

photos of Kerri & Matt courtesy of Harper Point Photography.

Dressing up Men

A conversation from early in my marriage:Overheard while preparing to attend a dinner and awards reception:

me (getting ready in a party dress): what are you planning to wear, Craig?

him: I'm not sure yet. Do I really have to go?
me: yes. We've been through this. You're coming. Now I was thinking that you could wear your dark corduroys. You know--the ones I bought for you for Christmas three years ago.

him: I'm not wearing those.
me: why not? They look good on you and you never wear them. People will be dressed up, you know.

him: they're not comfortable. And I don't care what other people are wearing. Do I really have to go?
me: You're going! Well, if you aren't going to wear the corduroys, what about your Dockers? You could wear your white button-up--the one you like that you took on our honeymoon--and your linen sport coat.

him: I want to wear my jeans.
me: You ARE NOT wearing your jeans! Why do we have to go through this every time we go out!?

him: Because you never listen.
me: that's ridiculous. People will not be wearing jeans, Craig. Seriously--you have to pick something else.

him: I'm not going if I can't wear my jeans.

me (giving him The Look): you're going. And no jeans!
Sometime later at the event, much to my dismay, a gentlemen walks in looking dapper in a cowboy hat, a white button-up shirt, and...you guessed it...jeans. Turns out, he was the recipient of one of the awards.

my husband (turning to me): If he gets to wear jeans, so do I.

And I've been losing the battle over denim ever since.

glossary of dapper men's clothing and accessories, all from Etsy sellers:
1. mod mens over coat by good grace
2. 50's men's pierre cardin executive suit by the brush factory
3. vintage mahogany lace-up oxfords by squeaky wheel collective
4. men's shirt - navy/white gingham STYLE No. BKT10 by brooklyn tailors
5. vintage 70's wide boho brown leather belt by skinny and bernie
6. men's suit - grey worsted wool STYLE No. BKT50, also by brooklyn tailors
7. vintage steampunk handcrafted watch by revolt70

a Foolproof Formula

And for the record, I REFUSE to try oysters though they do make him so very happy. There's just something seriously unappealing about those slimy centers...

Oh Husband: a Valentine soliloquy

ahem...a poem to my love:
Husband. Oh husband. Today we celebrate our timeless love.
Streams of affection flowing from our hearts,
finding refuge in our wedded bond.
How can we express the depth of our feeling?
How can we share our
passion and zeal?
But wait! Upon pursuing such words, I recalled something true:
You hate this mushy stuff.
And for that matter...
...so do I.
When the rest of the world is spilling out sonnets and sweet nothings,
we would rather just get to the point...
...say what we mean
...without all the frills.
And what, dear husband, do we mean?
Just this: that true love involves the day-in-and-out
Like when I buy swiss cheese even though I hate it
because I know you like those creepy round holes
And when you make sure that we have enough toilet paper
to last through the Apocalypse
in case--just in case--the tissue supply runs dry.
Or like when you nag me to get my oil changed
every day
for a month
(seriously--I heard you. I’ll get around to it when I can!)
Or tolerate my mild obsession for pillows
with only a few complaints
every evening
before bed.
Oh husband, dear husband--you didn’t even say anything
when I accidentally dyed our pillow shams pink
...Or spray-painted your air compressor with metallic rose glitter.
...Or painted the cabinets white when you went out of town.
...Or got that expensive speeding ticket last October....
(oh wait...you did say something about that...)
Husband, dear husband, words are just not enough
to tell of our love.
Perhaps an apology for all of the errant painting...
...might begin to do it justice.

P.S. I know you’re at WalMart right now buying me chocolate. You’ve waited a bit late for that, don’t you think? I mean, Valentines Day officially started hours ago...

Oh...and while you’re there can you pick up some milk and a bottle of mouthwash? Thanks.

Love you--
steph

le boudoir (and le reality)

My husband was giving me grief the other day, threatening to create a "shadow blog" about the "real life" of Stephanie Hillberry. The life where I don't make my bed for days, and where I stay in my pajamas until noon, and where I serve queso and chips for dinner three days in a row.

I threatened to sue him for slander.
But his little joke did get me thinking about Valentines Day and romance and all the hype about being sexy.

Sexy like these ladies above and below in their slinky knickers.

Oh how I wish it was true that I really did live a life in delicate lingerie.
But this, my friends, is the life I really live about 95% of the time. I do not go to sleep and arise in satiny glamor. No...I go to bed in stretch cotton. And white athletic socks. And I wake up with disheveled hair ("disheveled" is putting it nicely) and a splotchy complexion.
Every now and then I try to modify my habits. I put on a pair of frilly shorts and try lacy panties for a few days. But eventually I always end up in the ubiquitous flesh-colored undergarments that women praise for their practicality and men lament for their serious lack of sex appeal.

(as an aside, my thesaurus actually lists "bootylicious" as THE "informal" definition of sexiness. What is the world coming to?)
But oh to be like the woman above. Even her hair is sultry. And her baby doll nightie isn't at all childish. Granted even she probably doesn't look like that when she gets up...but she certainly earns points for trying.
This, however, does not earn points. I mean, even if you could add a couple for the ruffled detail on my tank top (which is admittedly adorable), you'd have to immediately subtract them away for the excessive use of baggy gray flannel. Subtract even more for the threadbare quality of my very dated yoga pants and I'm well into the negative.
Poor, poor husband. If only I secretly wore these under my baggy gray flannel. I can only imagine the frills and the thrills.

After all, it's not like I don't own a few numbers like this, tucked away in my lingerie drawer, buried under piles of cotton panties and sports bras. I could, I suppose, pull them out for use on days that fall outside of February 14th.
It would probably even make me feel good. More ladylike. More demure and alluring. More captivating and feminine.
And less....so, so much less...like this.

Glossary of lovely knickers, courtesy of Etsy sellers:
1. french fancies in the parlour babydoll by gilda pearl
2. sassafras - altered vintage slip (xs) by which goose
3. floral cotton shorts by daileedose
4. same as #1
5. watercolor bralette set by clare bare
6. sandmaiden rayon and organic cotton jersey lacy pantie - made to measure by sandmaiden sleepwear