Je Ne Sais Quoi: Wisdom from the Mouths of (Teenage) Babes

This past Saturday I had the pleasure of attending a girls' night out. It was an event where I was at least twice as old as the average attendee (which made me feel both young and old at the same time!).

The evening was packed with fun activities and lots of boldly colored snacks. We decorated the covers of journals with collage; we applied sequins and paint to tote bags; and we enjoyed the customary slumber-party makeovers.

Needless to say, it was a blast. And during the evening, I had an opportunity to ask the girls a lot of questions about what it's like being a teen today. And so we talked about clothes. We talked about boys. And we talked about body image and confidence and gossip. And I concluded that apart from the radical change in technology (ie Facebook, texting, etc.), being a girl today isn't that much different from when I was a girl.

The last request I asked of the girls was for their advice. If you were talking to a group of young women your age, I inquired, what would you tell them?

And the answers, I think, are good for women of all ages to hear.

In a nutshell, the wisdom they shared was "be yourself." Don't let boys or friends persuade you to be someone else. Don't let magazines and television convince you to change your looks. And don't be one person on, say...MySpace, and another with your parents and teachers.

It was simple advice, but poignant. I went into the evening expecting to talk about the usual issues: "sexting" in schools, online bullying, dress code dilemmas, and the like. But what I had overlooked was the underlying issue: authenticity.

I am extremely grateful to the girls for sharing their thoughts, especially since they challenged me to consider the bigger picture with a timeless pursuit: being true to ourselves.

My plan is to not let their good advice go to waste. I'm currently preparing a seminar/workshop for girls (and moms!) just their age, and I can't wait to talk more about being authentic in today's technological era.

So thank you, ladies, for your insight! You're already well on your way to je ne sais quoi--

If you could give advice to young women today, what would it be? Share by posting your thoughts below--

Je Ne Sais Quoi: Hospitality

Good morning to you all! I hope this Monday finds you well! I have an exciting week planned for us involving a new dress (or two!), a new friend who just happens to "play" roller derby, and more on our series, je ne sais quoi.

So, to kick-off the week, I want to share about a retreat I attended earlier this month hosted by the kind folks at Group Publishing. I enjoyed three days packed with fun and singing (yes, there was singing) and one crazy episode involving pipe cleaners. And though I could speak about many, many things from the retreat, I want to highlight one very important quality I observed while attending: hospitality.

To say that I was impressed with Group's hospitality would be an understatement. Quite frankly they went above and beyond for the 50-or-so of us women attending the event. For instance, the photos you see above and below were taken during the first evening when the founders/owners of the company had us all over for dinner at their place.

That's right--all 50 of us.

Now, to invite 50 women over for supper is one thing. To cook for all 50 women is another thing entirely.

And to cook supremely tasty food (including tiramisu made from scratch) for all of us is downright amazing! I was blown away by the effort...and the dessert.

The rest of the retreat following this first evening was more of the same. And I won't get into all of the details lest I make you too envious, but I will share some of the lessons I learned about being hospitable.

First: food is key. Hospitality doesn't require tiramisu from scratch, but certainly serving some sustenance when you're hosting friends goes a long way toward making them feel welcomed and at home. I don't care if it is a bowl of chips and some salsa, or a hand-crafted fruit pyramid with chocolate--your guests will thank you if you fill their stomachs.

Two: offer encouragement. I was impressed when the staff at Group took several opportunities during the retreat to encourage the attendants. Some of it was even a little mushy (which makes stoic types like myself fluster a bit).

Frankly I had forgotten how important affirmation is, both in the giving and receiving. Hospitality includes reminding people that not only are they welcomed, but they are also appreciated and special. So don't forget to encourage, even if it gets mushy.

Finally, hospitality involves fun. When we host guests, it is not our job to entertain them at every moment...but it is our job to lighten their load, if only momentarily. Laughter, joyful conversation and games all help to create memories and strengthen relationships. Scheduling fun is as valuable as serving food and making sure guests know where the restroom is--because nothing welcomes people more than laughter.

Food. Fun. And Affirmation. Hosting with these qualities is oh-so je ne sais quoi.

Thanks to Group for a fun week!
To learn more about the publisher, click here.
To learn more about the retreat I attended, click here.

Je Ne Sais Quoi: Don't Quit Your Day Job

For a special Friday treat, I thought that I would do some experiments in looking sultry using Eva Mendes as my tutor.

Lesson One: "the sexy mouth." Lips parted, teeth showing. Eyes with that "come hither" look.

...I'm pretty sure that if I looked at anyone with this expression, they'd get very uncomfortable and suddenly find an intriguing spot on the floor to gaze at until I left the room.

Eva--you have your work cut out for you.

Lesson Two: "the romantic, windblown gaze." This is the look you need when standing beside the ocean watching your prince charming approach on a white horse. Epic, sweeping music would be playing the background. Things would be in slow motion.

Or...in my case, this would be the part in the scene when my mother appears and tells me to get my hair out of my face and to close my mouth because I look like a moron.

Lesson Three: "the vixen."

Oh my. There aren't even words. Evidently I need more practice. WAY more practice.

Eva--is it a bad sign when my husband starts laughing so hard he has to brace himself with the chair just to stay standing?

And here is my sultry collage. Every glamorous shot, all lined up in rows.

Ahem...I think I better keep my day job and leave the sultry for Eva.

And I can stick to more appropriate, authentic poses. Crinkled eyes, gummy smile, dimples.

Authentic is more je ne sais quoi than sultry, anyway.

Happy Friday!
--steph

Je Ne Sais Quoi: Managing my Image

Yesterday I finally entered the 21st century and committed myself to social networking--meaning that I launched a Facebook fan page, a Twitter account (God help me!), and created a LinkedIn profile. Yikes! And all of this makes me think about how lucky I was to travel through adolescence without the world wide web looking over my shoulder. True, it was somewhat cumbersome to limit my term paper research to library books (imagine the horror!). And undoubtedly I would have enjoyed the conveniences of emails and camera phones while shopping for prom dresses and dishing about my latest crush. But for what I missed out on in convenience I made up for in privacy. The privacy, for instance, to mature in the quiet spaces of my bedroom and the local Wendy’s and my high school cafeteria WITHOUT fear of my every move being diabolically archived for an eternity in digital form.
You get what I’m saying, here? I shudder to think of the possibilities. Me, sporting an unsightly hickey at track practice (ahem...I might have been a teensy bit boy crazy as a teen). Or me, trying on profanity for size just to impress my pubescent peers. Even worse, me caught being cruel to another girl less popular than my crowd. Or spreading gossip. Or rolling the bottom of my jeans.

All I can say is that I am sooo thankful that those images/videos of me happened before Web 2.0, and thus my reputation was safely sheltered long enough for me to find my bearings.
My point with all of this? I’m getting to one--I promise. You see, one of the features of a woman with je ne sais quoi is that her public image is consistent. The person you see at the party is the same person you’d see at the grocery store. Thus, you wouldn’t be...say...shocked to find her prim and proper at Tuesday’s church group after glimpsing a topless photo of her on Facebook after Saturday night’s happy hour. And you wouldn’t be disappointed to learn that she was both a gracious and polite hostess while also being a malicious gossip. And though you might find some unflattering photos of her rolling her jeans in junior high, she doesn’t engage in that kind of behavior any more.
In other words, she has integrity. She doesn’t pretend to be one type of person among certain company, and then change to suit a different crowd. And for heaven’s sakes, she takes a regular inventory of herself on the internet and pulls up the weeds!

With this type of woman, what you see is what you get. Her presence isn’t pretense.

What are your thoughts on managing your image in today's culture, with all of our fancy technology? I'd love to hear, so share your comments below!

I Want to Hear from You! (plus a chance to win free jewelry!)

Hello and Happy Friday to you all! Today I'm announcing a Special Project that I need your help on!

I want to find out who inspires us as women, and I'm petitioning for your thoughts! Keep reading to learn more:
I know that we all have women in our lives that we look up to as role models (for instance--it's not a coincidence that I'm posting our answers right before Mother's Day, since I know that many of us think first of our moms...), and so I'm submitting to you all the question above, and hope that you'll send me your responses!
And to further entice you, one lucky reader will win this lovely necklace, courtesy of Lily Leighs jewelry!
To enter, send your thoughts to the email address above! The winner will be announced on Friday, May 7th!
Also, I wanted to extend an invitation to all of you local Northern Colorado readers to join me at Roller Derby this weekend! It will be my first ever Bout and I'm so excited to see these women in action!

For more information, email me at shillberry@stephaniehillberry.com or click on the "foco derby" button on the left!

I can't wait to read more about who inspires you!
Have a great weekend--
steph

How Resourceful! my Spring Cardigan in Cotton

After a brief interlude, I finally hunkered down yesterday and reopened my pattern shop! And kicking off the spring pattern line is this lightweight cotton cardigan, in rose pink of course.

(note: if you're asking yourself, "didn't she just make a different rose-colored cardigan last week?"...
...well, the answer is Yes, I did. Don't judge me for loving the pink, people.)
I developed quite a fondness for cutting my sweaters in half this past winter, and decided that just because I no longer have need for wool doesn't mean I can't keep slicing with my scissors!

Besides, I'm always in need of cardigans. I find them infinitely more practical than long-sleeved tees. How, for instance, am I going to show off my cute tank tops and frilly blouses if they're covered up under a pullover?
Certainly some kind of protection is required, because I do live in Colorado where the spring season means snow in the morning and sun by afternoon. It's hardly the kind of weather I'd feel safe in wearing just a sleeveless top.
Light cotton cardigans are also very practical even during the heat of summer, because the hotter it gets outside, the more unbearably cold it gets inside, thanks to the overzealous use of air conditioning.

I know you know what I'm talking about.
Of course, as with all of my patterns for fashion and home, this one recycles used clothing by upgrading its style and function. Some scissors, a little satin fabric, and my sewing machine and I had a fun new sweater to replace a boring tee.
And in fact, you don't even need a sewing machine for this one! Just an iron and some fabric adhesive (like stitch witchery) would do the trick!

To learn more about my pattern for this SPRING CARDIGAN, click here.

What is your go-to garment for spring weather? Share by posting your comment below!

Je Ne Sais Quoi: Strong

Could you imagine if someone had the audacity to suggest in this day and age that having je ne sais quoi was about a woman’s body? As if presence was all about a nice figure, or a seductive walk, or a thin stature, and not about inner confidence and strength and character. Could someone be so foolish?

Well, yes. I could.
It is true. I, indeed, have the audacity to say that an alluring presence is about the body. Or at least partly about it, anyway. This isn’t, I know, a fashionable idea, but before you judge too hastily and swear to never come back, I invite you to hear me out.

You see, I’ve been learning a lot recently about my body. Not in an anatomy-kind of way (by age thirty, I’m pretty well acquainted with all of that!), but in a body-spirit kind of way. Like how they’re connected, with one influencing the other and vice versa. It is a very, very simple concept, and yet somehow I managed to forget it.
Forget it until about a month ago when I felt like I needed to make a change in my life. I needed a different daily routine and a new outlook. And I didn’t know where to start until I was praying for wisdom one day and felt like I needed to move out. Not move out metaphorically, but actually, physically move out. As in take my body out of my chair, away from my desk, and out of my front door.

You mean, I asked, my physical body actually makes a difference? The answer, it seems, is yes. Although the work I do online, and with words and ideas, and in conversations with others, is important, I had overlooked an important truth: my body supports my spirit. And when my body is too stationary, too immobile, too weak, my inner spirit grows stagnant and also weak.
Perhaps this sounds a bit woo-woo, but I assure you it is entirely practical. We express ourselves through our bodies all the time--through our movements, our body language, our appearance. Think, as an example, of a woman you know who exemplifies je ne sais quoi. I’d bet my house that her movements are captivating--that they draw attention.

And so, in our pursuit of this mysterious inner strength and elegance, I want to challenge us to start with our bodies. If you are feeling weak, than pick up some weights and literally build some muscle. If you are feeling dowdy, than try dancing. If you want to feel liberated, find a nearby swing and fly. If you want to feel happy, try skipping. Of course these movements won’t radically alter your circumstances, but they can impact your spirit and the presence you exude in the company of others.

So, yes, je ne sais quoi is about your body. So get moving.

What do You Picture? (defining je ne sais quoi)

By it's very definition, je ne sais quoi is...well...hard to define. It's an elusive quality; difficult to pin down in exact words (hence the reason we use the phrase in the first place).

As such, it often means different things to different people. And so, before continuing any further along with this series, I thought it appropriate to assign a little homework.
The homework is this: I want you to spend some time over the next day or two thinking about what you envision when you hear "je ne sais quoi." Is it the timeless classic attraction of someone like Audrey Hepburn? Or the allure of the vintage female? (Certainly these are my first thoughts, but I'm a mid-century kinda girl...)

Or maybe instead you see someone like Hilary Clinton or Oprah Winfrey. Perhaps even your idea of mysterious appeal is in the form of Rhianna or Beyonce.
Whatever it is, I want you to think about why you are drawn to these women and images. What qualities attract you to them? Is it their look? Their lifestyle? Their career? Their talent?

To help you in this quest, you might consider browsing through a handful of women's magazines to see which people and photos you like most. And then ask yourself why you like them.
And please feel free to share what you find! I'm partial to the bombshell above from Mad Men, but far be it for me to determine what je ne sais quoi means to you! I'd love to know who and what you're picturing during the next several weeks as we dive further into the subject of "the hard to define."

First thoughts? Ideas? Post your comments below!

Je Ne Sais Quoi: not Finished, but Enough

I’m a big fan of the glossies, as most of you already know. Somedays, when I just want to relax, I’ll head to the local bookstore to drink a hot tea and flip through the tabloids and fashion magazines at my leisure. I’m rather ashamed to admit that I take voyeuristic peeks into the lives of celebrities--and I like it. And I scour the fashion pages even though I know they’re exacerbating my urge to consume in excess. And I read the fitness sections as if they’re somehow going to motivate me to actually leave the bookstore and go for a jog (they never do...). I even like the silly quizzes, though I don’t mark them up in the store (because that’s just rude).
But one thing I’ve recently been noticing about all of these glossies is that they’re always trying to get me to improve myself. Whether it’s the 5 simple steps I can take to eat healthier, or the 10 secrets to making me a dynamo in bed, the underlying message is You Can Do Better.

Now, the truth is that I could do better. And I have to admit that part of me appreciates the encouragement and motivation. But once the gloss wears off, it just starts to feel like A.Lot.Of.Work.
And so I wonder--do the women who possess the elusive je ne sais quoi have some kind of secret self-improvement regimen that the rest of us don’t know about? Or are they maybe just more successful at implementing all of these earnest suggestions and check lists that line the pages of women’s magazines?

Somehow I doubt it--on both accounts. My suspicion is that actually the women with je ne sais quoi have mastered something else entirely--rest. They aren’t striving for perfection, but instead are resting right where they are. And this is why we are attracted to them.
I’m learning that there is a great chasm between a spirit at rest and one that is striving. The latter is driven to always improve, always grow, always advance, while the former says "I could improve, but I’ve done enough for now."

...Yes, I could fold the laundry while talking on the phone...but this conversation is enough.
...And Yes I could wake up twenty minutes earlier and squeeze in a workout, but my weekend walk is enough.
...And Yes I could be better in bed, and better at correspondence, and better at cooking, but Damn It! I Am Enough, just as I am.
Not perfect, not finished, but Enough.

Imagine what that would feel like. No wonder there’s just something about a lady like that.

What do you think? Have we gone too far with the self-improvement, or do you find it genuinely helpful? Share your thoughts below!

Paperdolls and Femininty

My sister and I LOVED paperdolls when we were little. My mother, who has some skill at sketching, would draw us our very own dolls. I remember vividly sitting in the kitchen instructing her as to the specific style I wanted for my hand-drawn skirt or Cinderella gown.

Of course we also loved the store-bought paperdolls as well. We would ever so carefully remove the pieces from their perforated edges, trying hard not to tear them. And we would play with them so much that often scotch tape was required to keep their worn tabs attached to the garments.
Now there are those that say that promoting this type of flagrantly gender-specific activity is sending poor messages to young girls. Perhaps they would suggest that instead of princess gowns and archetype Disney heroines, little girls should instead have "doctor" and "lawyer" and "CEO" paperdolls. Or maybe "superwoman" would be more appropriate (since that seems to be the identity we commonly feel pressured to wear as adult women).
And certainly I do not want to start an argument about femininity and gender rolls here on a Tuesday morning, but I will say that paperdolls are useful for instructing girls on an important subject, which is that resourcefulness can go a long way.

What I mean is that I practiced the art of mixing and matching long before I was old enough to responsibly pick out my own clothes. With paperdolls you learn that three shirts and two skirts can multiply into at least a dozen different outfits. And that the process of trying new combinations is creatively gratifying.
And perhaps this lesson may seem trivial in the face of the greater concerns of feminine self-actualization, but let me ask you this:

which do you spend more time thinking about:
...whether your childhood appropriately equipped you to cast off traditional chains and achieve full potential...
...or what you are going to wear this week?

I submit to you that it is the latter.

Furthermore, which would you like more practice at:
...taking what you already own and finding new and fun ways to use it, thus saving you money and promoting good stewardship...
...or breaking the glass ceiling?

Again, I reckon for most of us that it is the first.

So although I appreciate the earnest strides made by feminist goals, sometimes what we really need are paperdolls.

What was your favorite childhood toy that taught you about being a lady? Share your comment below!

Easing In: lessons for living from spring fashion

It's no secret that I'm a bit antsy for spring this year. I'm like those young girls who choose to wear their shorts and sandals in 55 degree weather because they desperately (and prematurely) want to show off their spring break tans.

You know who I'm talking about.
I used to make fun of those girls tromping around college campuses in their weather-inappropriate attire. But an inordinately long winter this year has caused me to soften my judgment. Because the truth is that I have been attempting to force spring, too.
I wrote on Monday that I have been fighting the urge to push myself into change. I see good things up ahead, and am impatient to get there. However, in spite of my zeal, the reality is that this is a transitional season, and I need to learn the art of easing into it.
Take these lovely fashions as a metaphor, for instance, for easing into change rather than trying to forcefully coerce it. These pieces are all perfect for the realities of March. They hint at the promise of warmer weather, but still provide the necessary coverage for cooler days.

Skirts with tights, lightweight jackets, wrap dresses that can be layered over cotton and lace... These things are what it means to ease into a new season.
Notice the conspicuous lack of bare legs, of uncovered shoulders, of strappy sandals. These ladies understand that you can't force warmth, even if you do have a tan to flaunt (which, for the record, I most certainly do not). They aren't, however, clad from head to toe in the wool and boots from winter, either.

They are easing out of one season and easing into the next. And doing it beautifully.
And this art of easing is what I am trying to learn. Change, like spring, won't come any sooner just because I'm weary of winter. These things take time.

And good fashion.

What is your favorite "transitional" fashion item for this time of year? A good jacket? A lightweight scarf? A wrap dress? I probably would have to the go with the last one--a wrap dress--although I am also LOVING the new mini-skirts with tights, too. How about you?

Glossary of beautiful spring fashions from Etsy sellers:
1. denim skirt tulip mini by patkas
2. checkered dress by replicca
3. romantic grey wrap top by lirola
4. hoodie wrap, japanese print and organic soy jersey by isla new york
5. the brandenburg by little houses
6. 7 ways to wear wrap dress in juicy plum, also by lirola