Letter from the Editor: Am I Really Enough?

Good morning (or afternoon for you East Coasters)! I just returned from a visit to the vet (the “boys” needed their annual check-up, and we needed to receive our annual scolding for not brushing their teeth...), and am heading out soon to a women's leadership retreat, but before my day gets away from me I wanted to touch base with you all--

If you’ve been reading Deviantly Domesticated for any length of time, you’ve probably come to learn that I always have new plans and projects up my sleeve. Therefore it should come as no surprise to you that I have some fun features and opportunities planned for this space for the rest of 2010. And one of them is to start writing a letter from the “editor” (so-to-speak)--direct from me to you--on a more regular basis. Because though you often see my latest fashion projects, culinary efforts and thoughts on femininity, you don’t often hear about my day-to-day life as an writer/speaker/wife/friend/etc.

So I thought I’d kick off this new column today with some of my reflections on a je ne sais quoi post I wrote last month--the one about being “enough.” You see, I have to confess that I’ve been struggling with that one quite a bit lately. Probably it comes with the territory of being an entrepreneur--it is common to feel like there is always more work that can be done, and not enough time to do it. But even more so, I’ve been challenged lately because I have ambitions that I’m not attaining. For instance, I’d like to make more money. And I’d love to have a larger audience. And I worry that I’m not doing enough--or don’t have what it takes--to reach the goals I’ve set.

In other words, I worry that I’m falling short. That I don’t have the right skills or the right stamina or the right connections. Because I figure that if I was enough, than I would be more successful at reaching those goals...right? My life doesn’t look the way I want, so there must be something wrong with me...right?

I bring this up because I know that on the surface it looks like I have everything together. But the truth is that I think about these ideas of femininity and confidence and beauty as much as you all do--and I don’t have it all figured out. So even though I have the sense to write about “being enough,” the practice of it is not as easy.

Fortunately I have good friends and family to listen to me, give advice, and offer encouragement. And I’m thankful for all of you, too, who read my posts and send me your comments. So know that in addition to a week full of retreats and business expos and daily chose, I’ll also be working on just being enough.

We’ll talk again soon!
--steph

Je Ne Sais Quoi: not Finished, but Enough

I’m a big fan of the glossies, as most of you already know. Somedays, when I just want to relax, I’ll head to the local bookstore to drink a hot tea and flip through the tabloids and fashion magazines at my leisure. I’m rather ashamed to admit that I take voyeuristic peeks into the lives of celebrities--and I like it. And I scour the fashion pages even though I know they’re exacerbating my urge to consume in excess. And I read the fitness sections as if they’re somehow going to motivate me to actually leave the bookstore and go for a jog (they never do...). I even like the silly quizzes, though I don’t mark them up in the store (because that’s just rude).
But one thing I’ve recently been noticing about all of these glossies is that they’re always trying to get me to improve myself. Whether it’s the 5 simple steps I can take to eat healthier, or the 10 secrets to making me a dynamo in bed, the underlying message is You Can Do Better.

Now, the truth is that I could do better. And I have to admit that part of me appreciates the encouragement and motivation. But once the gloss wears off, it just starts to feel like A.Lot.Of.Work.
And so I wonder--do the women who possess the elusive je ne sais quoi have some kind of secret self-improvement regimen that the rest of us don’t know about? Or are they maybe just more successful at implementing all of these earnest suggestions and check lists that line the pages of women’s magazines?

Somehow I doubt it--on both accounts. My suspicion is that actually the women with je ne sais quoi have mastered something else entirely--rest. They aren’t striving for perfection, but instead are resting right where they are. And this is why we are attracted to them.
I’m learning that there is a great chasm between a spirit at rest and one that is striving. The latter is driven to always improve, always grow, always advance, while the former says "I could improve, but I’ve done enough for now."

...Yes, I could fold the laundry while talking on the phone...but this conversation is enough.
...And Yes I could wake up twenty minutes earlier and squeeze in a workout, but my weekend walk is enough.
...And Yes I could be better in bed, and better at correspondence, and better at cooking, but Damn It! I Am Enough, just as I am.
Not perfect, not finished, but Enough.

Imagine what that would feel like. No wonder there’s just something about a lady like that.

What do you think? Have we gone too far with the self-improvement, or do you find it genuinely helpful? Share your thoughts below!

Setting the Pace (more thoughts on reCentering)

This time of year is rather two-faced, don't you think? One day it promises a hint of warmth and sun and spring, and the next it slips right back into winter.

In a word, it's a tease. A flirty, coy tease.
Needless to say, "the tease" and I have been spending some time together recently on my regular prairie walks. And you can tell just from the photo collages above and below, that the scenery shifts dramatically from one day to the next.

And naturally--since I've been in a very reflective mood lately--I've been pondering this shifting in my own life. I mean--is it just me or do you feel like this season involves a lot of stutter-stepping? For instance, some days I wake up bursting with energy and ideas, and then other days I slip back into the habit of figuratively curling up and only doing the things that Have to get done.
The truth is that I sense change on the horizon. Good change, mind you. Much, much needed change. And I'm anxious to get there. BUT...

...it seems like the steps I take to reach the horizon are two-forward-and-then-one-back. Change, it appears, will not be rushed. Just like this recent two-faced weather, I can't force "spring" to get here any sooner.
And so in my efforts to reCenter, I am trying to let change set its own pace. It is, at times, a frustrating endeavor. I'd prefer to push it along, already, especially when I'm teased with promises of warmer days. But I'm trying to take a cue from nature and remember that you can't rush out of winter's dormancy into summer overnight. The seeds of new things need time to grow slowly, or else they'll perish.

And the last thing I want is for my much-anticipated change to perish before it has a chance to bloom. So I guess I have no choice but to endure a little more teasing for a time.

Shifting to Manual

Blah blah blah blah bla-blah blah blah.

If that is what you hear when I mention how busy we all are in this day and age, I don’t blame you. Truly it is one of the most over-done stories in culture today.


We’re busy. We get it. Next subject please.

And so I promise that I won’t linger on the obvious. What I will do is revisit the “auto pilot”--you know, that collection of expectations we tend to adopt because we don’t have time to invent alternatives.



What I’ve observed in my life is that when I’m busy, I gravitate toward the path of least resistance (aka auto pilot). Dinner? How about the drive-through. Gifts? How about the gift card kiosk at the supermarket. Clothing? Whatever looks cute at Target this week. Lifestyle? Whatever everyone else is doing. Sure, I’d like to give my friend a unique present for her new baby, but I don’t have the time. Yes, I’d love to make my husband a homecooked meal from that recipe I’ve been eyeing, but I get home too late. And definitely I would like to be working less and spending less and investing in more fulfilling activities, but I can’t slow down enough to figure out how to do that.


If this sounds familiar, you are certainly not alone!

The simple truth is that originality--the pursuit of living more intentionally and expressively--withers with schedule overload. When we consistently see our original ideas and intentions fall to wayside in favor of box-store merchandise and tv dinners, we know the gears are stuck on auto-pilot. And the first step to shifting into manual is to slow down.

And to spend less, but we’ll get to that tomorrow!

Until then, take a breather and have a happy Wednesday!

Glossary of images, all from independent sellers on Etsy.com!
vintage leather bomber jacket by sew kewl
vintage ray ban amber aviator glasses by the queen of re
airplane girl vinyl wall decal by graphic spaces
aviators noir steampunk ooak necklace by mystic pieces

Walking my Talk

Some of you perhaps have noticed that I’m posting later today than I normally do. I didn’t plan for this alternate schedule. You see, this morning I had one of those “I need to walk the talk” moments when I was writing today’s entry. The subject: busyness. The lesson: taking time to slow down and listen. The audience: me.

I hadn’t even finished writing the sentence: “busyness is the enemy of originality,” when it occurred to me that I had been cramming my schedule for weeks. So much so that when I tried to take a breather this weekend, I couldn’t sit still. I couldn’t turn my mind off. I couldn’t leave my to-do list alone.

Now part of my avid busyness is good--I’ve been very inspired lately, and have felt energized to work and create. The evidence of my energy is plain to see in the new patterns I’ve listed in my stores, the knitting projects I’ve finished, the pies I’ve baked.... These things have all been good. But...creating has to be balanced with rest.

So, to take a dose of my own medicine, I unexpectedly took the morning off. I jumped in my car and left the house with my journal, my pen, and no plan. I ended up in an empty parking lot facing the warm sun drinking a fountain soda and taking in the quiet.

For two hours.


No, I didn’t have any great epiphanies or insights. But I did feel myself gradually slow down and gain some perspective. Perspective that reminded me that work and social obligations aren’t always the most important thing, and that sometimes we need to take a step back. Even if it is just for a morning.

I have a bit more to say about the subject of busyness, as well as my thoughts on originality’s other enemy: debt. But more on that later this week.

For now I’m going to soak up a bit more sun and practice what I preach!

See you tomorrow!

Day 2: the Secret to Fine Living (and other things I already know but are good to remember anyway)

"The secret to fine living," Mrs. Marple said in today’s class, "is to know who you are. Not just what job you do, or whether you are single or married, or how you look.

"And who you are," she continued, "is a creative female with the ability to make your life into something special."

Even though I already knew this, it was nice to be reminded of it once again. After working for years in a job I didn't enjoy, I found myself using this very piece of encouragement and advice to make a dramatic change. I quit my job and subsequently discovered a whole world of possibility right inside my front door. It was a good decision, and I knew that Mrs. Marple’s advice was true.
She then went on to explain that each of us has the opportunity to develop four major areas in our lives: our industry (how we share our talents with the world), our character, our home, and our outreach (how we help others). “I will,” she explained, “give you assignments during the next 28 days specifically designed to help you develop these areas.”

And she passed out a survey for us to take home and complete before class tomorrow. I've included one for you in case you forgot. Apparently Mrs. Marple doesn't believe that dogs (or husbands, kids, haunted vacuums, and/or devious roommates) will eat your homework.

Speaking of homework...I hope it will not be too much, because frankly I already have a lot on my plate. But I’m guessing that even if I don’t get to all of it right away, I can always come back to it later, when I have more time.

Just don’t tell Mrs. Marple.

**Download Mrs. Marple's 4 Pillar Survey!**

Previous Days @ the Institute:
Day 1: Acceptance
Mrs. Marple's Institute webpage

Emotional Fresh Start

This weekend I wandered into the magazine aisle at the bookstore hoping to find some domestic inspiration for the start of spring.  Now normally I'd hit up Martha Stewart Living to get me into the gardening mood or Real Simple for some ridiculously clever ideas like how to clean my entire house with a toothbrush and some old nylons.  But this year I thought I'd try something different, and check out Body + Soul.

Now admittedly this was an odd choice for domestic inspiration since the magazine (one of the many in Martha's empire) is less about home and more about self-help.  And frankly I don't normally have the patience for all of that self-awareness.  But these are unusual times, so I thought I'd take a chance.

Surprisingly enough, I was impressed.  Since the magazine focuses on whole living, there were some good ideas about reducing the clutter in the our homes (perfect for my spring cleaning kick), especially the article about reducing paper, which is something I could certainly stand to do!  

And even the self-help pieces were...well...helpful, and reminded me that during this season of clearing away and freshening up, it doesn't hurt to take a little time to apply the same to our minds and spirits.  I, for one, am feeling a little stale from what has been a long and emotionally draining winter.  As women, after all, we are inextricably tied to our environments.  Often our internal life is mirrored in our external life (i.e. our homes, relationships, etc.), and vice versa.  

So today, while I do some serious damage on the junk and dust lingering in my office and library (yes--I have a library.  Okay--so it's more of a reading nook, but I call it a library.  Makes me feel special and scholarly.), I will also be thinking about how to clear away some of my internal cobwebs and plan my emotional fresh start for spring.  And it probably won't include my toothbrush and old nylons.

Previous Related Posts:

Letting the Fresh In!

Resting: a new Nesting Tradition

Nesting is Creating