Newly.Wed: HIS day

by kerri
We graduated from college last weekend. And by “we” I mean I graduated three years ago but Matt did last weekend, so now we’re complete. As a couple, we were in limbo for awhile as Matt was working to catch-up with me (I was insane and took a gazillion credits each semester to graduate early).

So, this was Matt’s accomplishment. Of course, I was there for every moment of it, editing papers when he asked or checking on the outcomes of his tests--so it kinda felt like my accomplishment, too. But I didn’t write those papers or take those tests. So, to be honest, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do during all of the events that led up to his graduation.
Plan the parties?
Defer to his family?

Ultimately, I just decided to let Matt dictate my role – if he wanted me to do something I did it, but mostly, I just let him do what he wanted.

When HIS day finally rolled around last weekend, I found myself balancing awkwardly on that line between "him" and "we." I mean, we are getting married in less than four months, so I am used to getting a lot of attention at special events. People ask questions about our wedding, honeymoon and plans for the future. And I have no problem talking about myself (ask the grocery checker at King Soopers). But this time--at Matt's occasion--I found myself kind of at a loss for words.

I know I might sound like a self-centered brat (and I am, admittedly), but for Matt’s day, I didn’t want to be that person. So I wasn’t. I chatted with almost-strangers about Matt’s new job and how much he seems to love it. I talked about his last semester of school and how hard Matt labored to finish while also working. I gushed about how cute he looks in a hardhat. And I celebrated Matt (even if my natural reaction was more of sigh of relief than a shout for joy). Because that is what you do for a Singleton’s event in a Coupledom.

Matt has celebrated with me in my events (graduating from college, finding my first grown-up job, getting a good haircut), and he has allowed me to show (or forcefully tell) him how I’d like for him to celebrate with me. And last weekend I had the chance to do the same for him, and it showed me how how important that is. It was Matt’s day. I’m just blessed to be able to share with him. And he should get to do things how he wants to (even if it involved multiple post-midnight returns to our home). When it's about me, I might do it differently (like with Champagne instead of beer), but at the end of the day, I’m just lucky to have someone to celebrate with.

Besides, "my day" is coming up soon enough. Four months to be exact. I'll be the one wearing white.

Newly.Wed: the Big Merger

by kerri
May I just say, good or bad, in relationships many things are related to money. Maybe it doesn't speak well of our society or maybe it does. But the truth of things is love is not enough to sustain a marriage/relationship. It helps; it makes you more willing to try new things or put up with things you NEVER would have without it. But we need to have food and shelter and shoes. (Matt would disagree with one of those. Can you guess which?)

I bring this up because recently we took one of the biggest steps in our relationship: joint checking. To the outside world, I realize this doesn't seem all that big of a deal; however, we've been dating for A Long Time and we have become set in our ways with regards to our personal finances. I am a diligent (read: mildly obsessive) checkbook-balancer, constantly making sure my balance matches the bank's. Matt checks his balance every time he makes a deposit or withdrawal at the ATM. I use debit cards, Matt uses cash Only. You get the picture. Fortunately, we are both successful at keeping track of our money and agree on budgets and spending patterns. But getting a hang of doing it Together is very interesting indeed.

Budgeting isn't easy for anyone I don't think. Because there is always something out there to be purchased - the new Gran Turismo game for Matt, a lovely jersey print for me. But it's important for both of us (once again - thank goodness that we agree on this) that we spend conservatively and are both aware of our expenses. Everybody finds a different system that works for them, and we are slowly but surely finding ours. I just got off the phone with Matt after paying off some major bills this weekend. He asked me (in three different ways, mind you) if I made sure to include ALL of the things we paid off in my balance.

Yes Matt, I added our deposits and subtracted our payments.
Yes Matt, I included that check in my balance.
No Matt, I did not write so many checks on things that we are now negative money and required to wash dishes at the bank to work it off!
Jeez!

I digress. I love that we are taking equal roles in this venture into joint checking. I love that we feel equally responsible to each other and our running balance to check in with each other about the status of our money. And I seriously love that we are starting our financial marriage (because let's face it, marriage is the biggest financial commitment we will ever make) on the right foot with good habits, very little debt (in the name of my lovely little Toyota Corolla, Glenda) and the desire for a partnership.

Now, to convince a certain someone that a ten-day St. Lucian honeymoon is totally fiscally responsible and Necessary...

Newly.Wed: Introducing a Column on Relationships

by kerri
When Stephanie posted the “teaser” on her blog for this column, I hadn’t even started working on it yet. Fortunately, the picture of the two vases [below] really struck me and gave me the inspiration I needed to get started.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the thought, Why can’t he be more like me? in regards to my fiancé. Matt and I are finally getting married this September – we’ve been dating for more than eight years – and the amount of arguments we’ve participated in over the years is literally uncountable. It’s the nature of intimate relationships – to care enough about each other to want to be on the same page and to find it next to impossible to do so.
The vases made me think about my relationship. They are equal in every way – same footing, same volume, same color. (For the record, Matt and I are Not equal – he has size 11’s, I have size 6’s; he’s 6’2”, I’m 5’2”. We both do have brown hair and green eyes though, so pretty equal.) The life of theses containers is stable and predictable. In other words, Boring.

My relationship (and I’m guessing yours too) is only boring when we try really hard to make it that way (like on a Saturday afternoon of napping after a particularly overwhelming week). And even then, it's not really boring or predictable, because while I might want to lay on the couch in quiet and nap, Matt is wanting to watch five sporting events on TV simultaneously (and keeping a running commentary on each). What happens next? You guessed it--an argument ensues. Nothing major or life-altering, but day-and-mood-altering, nonetheless.
Going back to the vases, what fills me up in life and in my relationships is not always the same for Matt. I like to spend quality time together and have meaningful talks with each other. Matt wants to lay on the couch to cuddle and watch movies (notice the lack of talking?). Our differences make for challenges for sure, but they also expand our experience and make us do things that we wouldn’t always think to do. And we find fulfillment in unexpected ways. Even if my words outnumber Matt’s by about a million.
We keep predictability in our lives on purpose – we long for stability. But the things we don’t expect or don’t go quite as we planned--the things that seem to get in the way and wreck the routines we’ve worked so hard to establish--are the things that make it interesting and worth the work. Matt doesn’t like that he’s really started to be the laundry fairy (as I affectionately call him), but he does like all the kissing that comes as my thanks and gratitude after finding my favorite blue hoodie clean and hanging up in my closet. And the moments that we don’t expect from big manly men (like when Matt does everything in his power to make our 5 pound dog fall asleep on his chest) make our days brighter and our hearts fall more in love every day.

photos of Kerri & Matt courtesy of Harper Point Photography.

Day 10: the Balancing Act (as told through vintage advertisements)

It is day ten at the Institute, and Mrs. Marple decided that it was time to address something that often challenges us in the pursuit of fine living: time management.

She commented about how busy we all are today, and how it is difficult to keep a balance between diligence (a necessarily quality for fine living) and burn-out.


The pressures on our time are numbered. First there's the expectation that we will put in a full day of work, because "what you do" often equates to "who you are" (a fact that clearly bugs Mrs. Marple).

But work is only the start. Then you're supposed to keep a clean and tidy house. Wearing heels. The heels are important. As is the apron.

And like it. Oh...you better like it.

And of course cooking is crucial (as is keeping the kids away from narcotics, which apparently this well-manicured mother has overlooked).

You are expected to make sure that kids have a well balanced meal. Although these parents might be more concerned that their son is clearly a serial killer waiting to happen. He's horrifying.

Multi-tasking is an obvious must. Like organizing your food in colorful tupperware while also catching up on the latest news.

And of course there are the garden-variety pressures of maintaining appearances so that you can enjoy a night out on the town with your friends (who are also clearly using some kind of narcotic...what was in the punch, I wonder?).


And with our rising health costs, it is important that you make time daily for fitness.

Do it for your country. Do it for yourself.

And yes--apparently these sexy sauna pants were a real product. They claim to slenderize exactly where you want in an amazing one-size-fits-all easily inflatable model.

Finally, after all of the above is accomplished, you also have to pursue those intimate times. Thankfully there are fashionable temptations like the above swim shorts to aid you.

As does this his-and-hers cowboy attire. Nothing is sexier. Except maybe that hairstyle.

And if you're really struggling, you can opt for these matching white jumpers. Because let's be honest--we all could use some help from time to time.

Mrs. Marple warned us that capitulating to all of these pressures on our time, appearance and mind can drain our creativity, which is the keystone of fine living. And though there are no easy tricks to keeping the right balance, practice can help.

As can white jumpers.

See you in class tomorrow!

Previous Days at the Institute:
Day 9: Pink, Pink & Pink
Day 8: Ditching Class
Day 5: Getting Ahead

A Wallet Full of Friends

So far in my introduction of Recessionistas, I've mainly focused on things that we can tackle individually, in our homes or with our talents and skills. But a Recessionista is no island. She's well-connected, and sees her friends as her best support and ally in these times.

Easy to Drift:

I don't think this is a hard quality to sell. We tend to be social, after all. I figure it won't take much persuading to convince you that friends and family are important right now. It's making the time for these relationships that is the hard part--at least for me. Whether you work full-time, or from home like me, busyness and isolation are easy to drift into. I know because I find myself drifting all the time.

A Secret:

But there is a secret in relationships that applies directly to a recession. A secret that I think we all instinctually know but rarely hear about. The secret is this: relationships are some of the best currency we have. Sometimes they're even more valuable than real currency. True--you can't pay your mortgage in favors to a friend, or buy a new car with dinner parties, but you can do a lot. You can, for instance, barter and swap a multitude of goods and services with those you know. You can borrow instead of buy, and lend in return. You can multiply your impact, or just boost your motivation, with the help of friends. You can split costs on bulk items, or share garden real estate, or carpool. All of these examples accomplish two things: they make the recession less scary, and they save you money.

But while these things are simple, they are not easy. They do require a bit of organization, and certainly an investment in time. The investment, I speculate, is worth making. So we'll be experimenting in the weeks to come about how to gather and spend this new "currency." And I'm hoping that we'll be pleasantly surprised by the results.

Become an Insider:

And what's the best way to hear more about these goals and experiments? To sign up for my newsletter, debuting very soon! Enter your email address above, or click here to learn more.

Previous related posts:

Servin' up Solutions: an introduction to Recessionistas

Don't Deviate Alone

On Being a Better Friend

Only the Lonely: fighting isolation

On Being a Better Friend

About this time last year, I was getting ready to take the plunge.  The plunge into working from home, into a more domestic pace, into the unknown.  And one of the reasons that I felt like a plunge was needed was that I didn't have energy for relationships anymore.  My friends (the few that I had) would call me and leave me messages because I was too tired after work to answer the phone.  Emails would sit in my inbox for days at a time with no response.  Birthday cards were always late, if sent at all.  And once I completely stood up some friends for dinner because I forgot about them.

I missed my friends, and felt bad that I was such a dud.  I hoped that by changing my lifestyle, my energy for relationships would return.

About a year later, I can say happily that I do have more time for friendships.  I've even made new friends this year, and I return my emails on time, and answer my phone.  So "the plunge" worked.  Only...I'm not really the kind of friend I want to be yet.

I wrote yesterday that "Don't Deviate Alone" is something I'm just now wrapping my head around.  That living an unconventional life is pretty pointless if it doesn't help those around me.  And since the closest people around me are my friends and family, it is important to keep working on being a better friend and family member.

Because my new "deviant" lifestyle is more flexible, I should have the time to be more thoughtful--to write more tha

nk you cards and visit more people.  I should remember birthdays and make phone calls just to say hi.  And I should be more ready  to help, by offering a listening ear or bringing over dinner or running an errand.  I should do these things...but I don't.  At least not nearly as often as I'd like.

Why should I do them?  Because we need each other.  Or at least I need others.  I feel like the world we live in is always trying to pull us apart--by placing demands on our time and our money and our energy.  Even in my self-made job, I tend to get distracted by how much money I'm making and what my next step will be.  I forget that the things that really matter are my friends and my family.

So I'm still working on my priorities.  And I'm thankful that it is easier now than it was a year ago.  Hopefully I can say the same thing a year from now.

How do you make time for your friends and family?  Share your tips with me by emailing me at shillberry@comcast.net or commenting here.

Don't go too far--stick around for another Smarty Pants post later today.

Previous Deviancy 101 posts:

Going off the Grid

Defining Deviancy

My Stay-at-Home Resume Makeover

What's to Come...

I mentioned earlier in the introduction of my "back to basics" experiment, that for me "home" means more than just laundry and scrubbing.  Home encompasses my day-to-day activities that fall outside of my job and other outward responsibilities.  So while domestic chores (those we typically associate with the housewife) are part of it, so is managing household finances and personal relationships.  Because quite frankly for me, the cleaning and cooking is the easy part.  It's the money and relationships that I struggle with, especially when I'm busy.

So, I'm challenging myself in all three areas, with the idea that if I take care of them, my career and community goals will naturally fall into place.  And as promised, I'll report back to you my reflections, frustrations, and remarks about the whole process.

Here's a brief calendar, then, or what I'm thinking.  Part one (a week or so) I'll start with the easiest area and talk about my domestic challenges.  Part two (another week or two) I'll tackle money.  And (you guessed it), part three is relationships.

Now, I'm a "resource" person, meaning that if I stumble upon a really good website that helps me in this challenge, or a good book, or read a good article, I'll mention it.  Furthermore, I lve creating resources of my own.  For instance, I'm already breaking in a yearly meal planner (kind of like a day planner, only for meals) I created on my computer, and would love to share it with you if it turns out to be beneficial.

On the flip side, I love hearing from other people.  So if you have any great tips, ideas, or resources yourself, please share.  You can comment here on this blog, or email me at shillberry@comcast.net.

Additionally, I'd like to invite you all to visit my website at www.stephaniehillberry.com.  I'm constantly developing new ideas about how we modern ladies can live unconventional lifestyles and lead our communities with our gifts and talents.  My recommendation is to start with "I'm rooted" and work your way forward from there.

Finally, join me tomorrow for the first edition of "Saturday Sussies."  Sussy is a word I picked up from my Texas family.  Apparently it stands for a small trinket or treasure that is stumbled upon unexpectedly, perfect for gifting or keeping yourself.  Saturday Sussies, then, are treasures--be they great websites, blogs I love, home design items, cute handbags, etc.--that I stumbled upon and want to share with you.

So hopefully I'll see you tomorrow!  Happy Friday!

Fits like a Glove

Have you ever tried to wear a pair of gloves that were too tight?  I have a pair that was given to me one year for Christmas.  They were a stylish brown leather, slim and attractive.  I wanted them to fit, but every time I put them on, I could slowly feel the blood to my fingers wane.  

I bring this story up because sometimes I feel like the modern economy is too tight.  The four philosophies that I wrote about yesterday--the ones that I think are pulling the economy out of balance--feel constricting to me.  Perhaps they make you uncomfortable too.

The expression, "fits like a glove," is supposed to mean that the fit is just right.  Not too tight, not too loose.  This is how I want to feel about the economy.  Unfortunately, because of its current preference for big and impersonal, the fit is wrong.

What would the right fit feel like? I wonder.  Of course you know me well enough by now to know that I'm leading up to the answer to that question.  The right economic fit is the SHEconomy.  The SHEconomy fits well precisely because it elevates what the modern economy squashes.  It nurtures relationships as a necessity rather than an inconvenience, because women are relational.  It values small and nimble, because we have long since learned that being smaller and "weaker" can make us quicker and more agile.  The SHEconomy measures success in multiple ways, like health and well-being and community welfare, instead of just monetary gain.  And it understands that the economy often operates in the midst of life, in between dinner and soccer practice and grocery shopping, rather than within tidy boxes.  

Do you see why the SHEconomy, by counter-balancing the philosophies of the modern economy, could create a good fit for women?  It is a place where women can take leadership and ownership, because it affords us an opportunity to express what is important to us.  And it capitalizes on what we naturally excel at--on our economic strengths.  

For the rest of the week we are going to talk about what the SHEconomy looks like, and how we can nurture it regardless of our lifestyle.  Staying at home?  Great, the SHEconomy is for you.  Working 9-5?  Awesome--the SHEconomy has opportunities for you.  Stay tuned for more!

Relationships--our Community's Greatest Asset

Another quality that gives women unique potential to be leaders in our communities today is our relationships.  Yes, the very same relationships that we are always being made fun of for.  You know--the ones with your girlfriends and your mom and your neighbors.  The people you spend hours talking on the phone with and hanging out with and sharing your life with (meanwhile, the men roll their eyes and wonder aloud what we could possibly have so much to talk about).  

The truth is that marketers and executives would pay premium dollars for our relational networks.  This is because they know that relationships are powerful, especially in this day and age when so much else is faceless and impersonal.

I once took a tour of one of the firehouses in my community.  To show us how they operate, the firemen split us into ranks and titles, and gave us walkie-talkies.  Then they demonstrated how they communicate when an emergency strikes.  The person at the top contacts the next tier of people, and so on down the list.  They were very efficient at it, and obviously needed to be.  

Women, I think, operate in the much the same way (minus the rank and strict formality).  Because we live our lives in close connection to other women, word can travel fast.  Having a network in place is often the most important thing when responding to crisis, or lending a hand to someone in need.  It is also very helpful when operating a small business, and circulating goods and services around in a community.  Furthermore, as every good leader knows, having a network in place is necessary for mobilizing people into action.  

The bottom line is that our friends and family--the connections that we keep--are probably our community's greatest resource.  Our network puts the "net" in "safety net."  And we naturally create these networks wherever we go, probably more effectively than government or business ever could.  

Of course, sometimes these qualities--being relational, being resourceful, being communal--are overlooked by our culture, and our leadership potential is dismissed.  Stay tuned for tomorrow when we'll talk more about that. 

It's Relationships, Stupid!

Note:  New to Deviantly Domesticated?  Thanks for visiting!  We are right in the middle of a series on micro-business and why it could be a great fit for women.  Scroll below to read previous posts, or jump right in with today's discussion!

I posted last week about the "big-box-ification" of business these days, and how sometimes bigger really isn't better.  One of the negative side-effects of big business is that the larger it gets, the less personal it becomes.  You know what I'm talking about.  Take the automated answering service that spits out a menu when you call in for help with your new cell phone.  Or the glazed teenage clerk who doesn't even look you in the eye while you check out at a box store.  Or maybe you work for a large corporation, and know that you'll never meet the CEO, and that he/she wouldn't know your name if you did.  

The truth is that personalization is rare in our economy these days.  What we've reaped in profit we've lost in human contact.  But not every corner of commerce lacks the personal touch.  Personalization is in fact one of the primary characteristics of micro-business.  In fact, this relational quality is one of the main reasons I think micro-business could work so well for women.  After all, we tend to gravitate toward relationships, surrounding ourselves with friends and family naturally.  It makes sense, then, that we would flourish in an economic environment that nurtures relationships.  And this is the kind of environment micro-business flourishes in.

Take, for instance, my sister who just agreed to watch her friend's child during the week for some extra money.  Although it doesn't seem like a "formal" business, they are exchanging a service for money.  And both of them benefit from it.  This little micro-business evolved out of a relationship, and will nurture the relationship going into the future.  Therefore, one of the side effects of relational micro-business is that it connects us with others in our community.  This is in stark contrast to big business, which often isolates us by turning us into nameless, individual consumers.  

Of course, the economy at-large tends to frown upon small, personal connections.  They are too cumbersome, and slow down growth.  Eventually the business has to start sacrificing names for profit.  And though there is some truth to this, I want to encourage all of us who are looking for a better balance in our economy to consider the personalization of micro-business as a viable option.  Whether you decide to start a business of your own, or decide to support them through the income from more traditional work, investing in micro-business is an investment in relationships, and often an investment in female leadership in the economy.  Sounds like a good thing to me!

"She-conomy"

I have been reflecting a lot this week on money.  Earning money, to be more specific.  After having lunch with an entrepreneurial friend, I realized with even greater conviction that earning money is an important issue for women to address in these times--even women who opt out of the traditional workforce to stay home.

The trouble with earning money these days (well, one of the troubles anyway) is that the predominant economic system is incompatible for those of us who are choosing a more home-centered lifestyle.  With its "bigger is better" mantra, and often heavy-handed culture, the prevailing economy is not very conducive to the flexibility and nimbleness that women might prefer.

Of course, our modern economy is very effective at what it does, and to attempt to reform it for stay-at-home types seems futile, if not foolish.  This is why I propose the establishment of an alternative e-conomy: a "she-conomy', if you will.  This economy can easily operate alongside the traditional cog-and-wheel system, but in a very different way.

In my mind, the "she-conomy" elevates a more...shall we say, feminine, approach to earning and selling.  And as such, it offers a counterbalance to the current system.  The following are qualities I envision in a "she-conomy":

1.  small and nimble (vs. big and bulky): the American Dream of building an empire out of rags might be well and fine if you don't have to get dinner on the table and give the kids a bath.  The trouble with empires, after all, is that they are difficult to lug around, and require too much time.  Women need an economic culture that offers opportunities for smaller, more portable businesses--ones they can carry with them while they multi-task with a million other things.

2.  flexible: kids get sick, babies need nursing, friends need comfort...and women need an economy that is flexible enough to go with the flow.  Making money can't always trump the needs of others, so there must be a way to make it in the process of everything else.

3.  community-centered:  yes, globalization is a boon for the market, but most women I know don't feel too comfortable when the community suffers at the hands of super-size corporations.  A she-conomy intentionally supports local women making a living and sharing resources with others, even if its means are global.  

4.  relational: women flourish among friends, neighbors and family--why can't our economy flourish here also?  Impersonal and distant (a common byproduct of big business) is too isolating.  A she-conomy is best built among the support and connections around us.

The million dollar question is can a "she-conomy" actually deliver?  I believe the answer is yes, and I think it is already flourishing in pockets around the globe.  I definitely will be talking more about the traits of a she-conomy in the future, and will be looking for stories of women who are making it happen in their own lives and in their communities.  If you have such a story, please share it with my by writing to me at shillberry@comcast.net.