Narrowing the Parameters

It is not a secret that women have always worn a lot of different hats. We are mothers, employees, wives, friends, homemakers, daughters, sisters, caretakers, and so on and so on. So when asked the question, “who do you want to be?” the process of answering can get overwhelming. And takes careful thought. And some investment of time.

Is it no wonder, then, that we often just pass over the question entirely? Frankly it can feel like too much work to answer.



To help me tackle this query, then, I tried to narrow down the parameters a bit. First I considered character. What, I asked, are the three most important character qualities that I want to be known for? And after debating a list of choices, I decided I wanted to have 1) wisdom, 2) leadership, and 3) courage (often displayed as confidence). There were admittedly a lot of other virtuous traits I could have chosen--like empathy, charity, and patience--and perhaps some of those would make the top of your list. But I had to start somewhere, so I started with my top three.



Then I moved onto money. I figured that my attitude and relationship with money (or, more broadly, resources) said a lot about who I was, so I wanted to make sure the message was a good one. I determined that stewardship was my highest priority--meaning that above all things I wanted to be thankful and responsible with the money and resources I had. This meant being a conscientious consumer and a conservative spender. I also decided that I wanted to make money--to be profitable--during all the seasons of my life. Which led me to the next category: work.

I know that what we do isn’t who we are, but we can express who we are through our work. And so I decided that my work had to provide an outlet for my creativity and intellect, and that it needed to profit my family. Since the job I was working at the time of this little personal inventory only satisfied the last measure--profit--I knew I needed to make a change.



Finally, a large part of who we are involves the relationships we have in our lives. We don’t want our roles in relationships to completely define us, but we do want to be intentional about them. So I decided to examine mine and try to put them into order of importance. Was my role as a mother (well...future mother as in my case) more valuable to me than my role as a friend or a wife? If so, I would need to invest more into it. As such, I actually decided that Wife was my first priority (something I’m constantly trying to remember...), and that Mother came second, and Friend came third. Related to this, I also decided that Mother was more important to me than Worker, which gave me the permission to nurture my maternal side, and to ease up a bit on career.



In any event, this is a long-winded way of saying that taking the time to explore who I wanted to be was worth the energy, and narrowing down the question helped me get to the answers.

So if you’re feeling introspective this weekend, and have a bit of leisure time, consider the following:

:: what three character qualities do you want to be known by?
:: what do you want your money to say about you?
:: what kind of work would express your personality best?
:: and what relational roles are the most important to you?

Happy Introspection!

Glossary of Hats, all from handmade sellers on Etsy.com:
1. romantic chunky knit beret by crafts 2 cherish
2. knitcollar hood by hortensia handmade
3. 1940’s style linen hat by sanchia 845
4. havana fedora by tissage
5. birdcage by fatale femme

Day 10: the Balancing Act (as told through vintage advertisements)

It is day ten at the Institute, and Mrs. Marple decided that it was time to address something that often challenges us in the pursuit of fine living: time management.

She commented about how busy we all are today, and how it is difficult to keep a balance between diligence (a necessarily quality for fine living) and burn-out.


The pressures on our time are numbered. First there's the expectation that we will put in a full day of work, because "what you do" often equates to "who you are" (a fact that clearly bugs Mrs. Marple).

But work is only the start. Then you're supposed to keep a clean and tidy house. Wearing heels. The heels are important. As is the apron.

And like it. Oh...you better like it.

And of course cooking is crucial (as is keeping the kids away from narcotics, which apparently this well-manicured mother has overlooked).

You are expected to make sure that kids have a well balanced meal. Although these parents might be more concerned that their son is clearly a serial killer waiting to happen. He's horrifying.

Multi-tasking is an obvious must. Like organizing your food in colorful tupperware while also catching up on the latest news.

And of course there are the garden-variety pressures of maintaining appearances so that you can enjoy a night out on the town with your friends (who are also clearly using some kind of narcotic...what was in the punch, I wonder?).


And with our rising health costs, it is important that you make time daily for fitness.

Do it for your country. Do it for yourself.

And yes--apparently these sexy sauna pants were a real product. They claim to slenderize exactly where you want in an amazing one-size-fits-all easily inflatable model.

Finally, after all of the above is accomplished, you also have to pursue those intimate times. Thankfully there are fashionable temptations like the above swim shorts to aid you.

As does this his-and-hers cowboy attire. Nothing is sexier. Except maybe that hairstyle.

And if you're really struggling, you can opt for these matching white jumpers. Because let's be honest--we all could use some help from time to time.

Mrs. Marple warned us that capitulating to all of these pressures on our time, appearance and mind can drain our creativity, which is the keystone of fine living. And though there are no easy tricks to keeping the right balance, practice can help.

As can white jumpers.

See you in class tomorrow!

Previous Days at the Institute:
Day 9: Pink, Pink & Pink
Day 8: Ditching Class
Day 5: Getting Ahead

Upcoming Event: "Your Best Birth" Simulcast

I know what you might be thinking. Why would an unpregnant woman without children be advertising for an event/book that is all about giving birth? Well, I'm glad you asked...

Excited to Attend!
I am excited about attending the Your Best Birth simulcast party this month for a variety of reasons:

1. Even though I'm not a mother, I can't help but be curious about what Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein have to say about the culture of giving birth in our society. Because I am admittedly a little concerned about reports I hear of escalating induction and C-section rates, and am interested to hear more about this important women's health issue.

2. I love how motherhood and birth connects women in a way that almost nothing else does. Creating community is important to me, and always fun to witness!

3. I am looking forward to debuting my Hillberry Baby collection of handmade baby quilts, bedding, and other nursery decor items! I've been wanting to launch a baby line for quite awhile, and this event gives me the perfect opportunity to start sewing!

4. I am also looking forward to meeting new friends, and hopefully introducing them to this blog and your company as readers! Maybe we'll find some new Recessionistas!

Come Along!
Of course, certainly I'd love to see you there! If you are a mom or soon-to-be mom living in Northern Colorado, this would be a great event to check out. It is free to the public and will have lots of resources! Even if you aren't (as mentioned--I'm neither cooking a bun or raising any at home) but would like to learn more about this timeless women's health issue, or would like to see some entrepreneurs in action, come along too!

Feel free to email me for more details at shillberry@stephaniehillberry.com.

Marketplace Mavens: featuring Rebecca of Interior Automotive Repair

note: Marketplace Mavens is a regular column highlighting the spectacular talent of female entrepreneurs. Whether they are hobbyists, full-powered business owners, or somewhere in between, these ladies are sure to inspire you to venture into the marketplace yourself!

I don’t believe for a minute that entrepreneurs are born and not made. Just because you don’t grow up with a lemonade stand in your front yard doesn’t mean that you can’t grow into the spirit of creating and selling later in life.

Born with It!
But I have to say that in the case of this Marketplace Maven, some people really are just born with it. Because for as long as I’ve known Rebecca, she has always had an enterprise, whether it was managing rental property, cleaning houses, or selling Avon. Her latest business--repairing automotive interiors--is so successful that she now has a contracted employee working for her.

Of course, one of the most impressive things about Rebecca’s entrepreneurialism is that she is a single mom, and has used her knack for running her own business to help her stay home with her three kids. And yes--juggling work with science projects and diaper changes is a challenge, but she feels fortunate to be able to spend so much time with her family.

Highlights:
Here are some highlights from our conversation about the entrepreneur-at-home lifestyle:

* Rebecca reminded me that being an entrepreneur sometimes requires courage. Her current business places her in the rather gruff automotive industry where thick skin is an occupational necessity. She confesses that she was initially intimidated to approach dealer's with bids, but she didn't let her discomfort stop her from doing it anyway. Clearly her courage has since paid off!

* Never forget that money management matters. Rebecca shared with me how important she feels it is for women to be active managers of their personal and/or business finances. She had to “learn the books” for her current business, which she admits can be a headache, but she cringes at the alternative of being ignorant. Good financial habits, regardless of a woman’s circumstances, are as important as good health and wellness.

* Rebecca’s life is a testament to how important the support of family is when you are raising kids and running a business. Her sisters and close friends make a tight community where help is freely given and received.

* Like former Maven, Lori, Rebecca reminds me that it is possible to be a single mom and stay home with your kids. In fact, the desire to be home with children is a driving force behind many home-based businesses. Rebecca would probably be an entrepreneur with or without her kids (like I said--she was born with a talent for it), but her kids make her that much more determined to succeed.

Role Model
As with every maven interview I've conducted, I drove home from my meeting with Rebecca inspired by the strength of her character. Her talent, coupled with courage and a mother's conviction, makes her a role model. Thanks, Rebecca, for sharing your story!

Previous Marketplace Mavens:
Lori from Premier Designs
Laura from Uproar
Hannah from Red Tandem Studio

Nesting Your Life

In between my mad flurry of painting and staining and sewing this week, I have had some time to reflect more on the idea that as women we start preparing our nests for children a lot sooner than when they actually arrive.  In the traditional sense, this may not seem to be the case.  I mean, you can walk through my home and notice the conspicuous absence of anything related to children.  My electrical sockets are exposed, my spare bedroom has a bed (with a fabulous newly refinished headboard, I might add), instead of a crib, and you can find a plethora of poisons under my kitchen sink.  The absence of kid things, though, doesn't mean that I haven't been creating space for them in my life.

It is true, in fact, that I have been consciously making decisions in their favor for years.  Like when my husband and I first got married and decided to limit our lifestyle and budget to one income in case I wanted to stay home with them down the road.  Or when we worked hard for five years to pay off extraneous debt that we were carrying so that we would be more financially prepared to raise a family.  Even my decision to use contraception early in our marriage was a choice I made with my kids in mind, because I didn't want to bring them into our relationship when we were still getting used to it (Yes--I think postponing pregnancy can actually be a form of preparing for kids down the road, as backwards as that logic may seem.).  

I know I'm not alone in the planning.  As women, many of us start "nesting with our life" (aka making decisions with our future children in the back of our minds) from very young ages.  We ask "will this man make a good father someday?" or "will this career support me in motherhood in the future?" or "will my weight/health help or hurt me when I want to get pregnant down the road?"  We may not consciously assign these questions to "nesting" at the time, but that is exactly what they are.

My point with all of this is to say that our relationship with the process of becoming mothers doesn't begin with a positive pregnancy test, but much sooner.  And it should start sooner. Being intentional about the choices we make in favor of our children (even if we're twenty and still in college, and our kids are not even a twinkle in our eyes yet) only helps us.

So nest on with your life, ladies!

Previous Nesting posts:

Avoiding the Subject

Domestic Deep Thoughts

The Pursuit of Beauty

Avoiding the Subject...

I've been dancing around it for weeks now--the subject of motherhood.  I mean, here I am writing a series about Nesting, and avoiding almost altogether the very purpose of nesting in the first place--to prepare space for children.

Now, I wrote earlier this month that my journey into motherhood is taking longer than the average ascent.  This, naturally, has been rather disappointing to me, and has consequently left me feeling like I'm standing on the outside of this great club without an admission pass.  I've watched lots of friends and acquaintances be admitted into the club while months turned into years of waiting for my turn.

All this while, I've been assuming that motherhood begins with that double line on the early pregnancy test, advances cautiously toward delivery, and then blossoms with the arrival of a baby.  And even though I've been dipping my toes into Nesting, I've always felt that true preparation comes with morning sickness and maternity pants.

But it occurred to me recently that nesting in nature actually starts much earlier than I've been acknowledging.  Birds, for instance, from whom we borrow the phrase "nesting," build their nests Before they even have eggs to lay.  In human terms, this means they set up the nursery before the stick turns pink.  Now, I'm not a headed out to Babies R' Us armed with a registry gun, but this little reality has gotten me thinking about the Real way we women prepare for children, and it starts a lot earlier than we think.

So I've decided to officially expand my definition of Nesting for the remainder of this series.  From this point onward, any woman who is actively preparing her lifestyle for the advent of kiddos someday in the future is nesting.  And for the next couple of weeks, I'll be talking about what that preparation looks like (hint: it includes a lot more than nurseries and strollers), and when it starts.

Until then, I hope you have a wonderful weekend!  I, for one, will be enjoying a pre-birthday pedicure, courtesy of my good friend.  

Please stop by tomorrow and check out another Saturday Sussie, and again next week to read more about Nesting, Smarty Pants, and (finally! yay!) this year's first Marketplace Maven!

Previous Nesting posts:

The Personal Side of Nesting

If I were a Bird...

Nurturing my Maternal Side

The Personal Side of Nesting

In my first introductory post about this new series on nesting, I wrote that the focus would be on creating a comfortable and ordered home to nestle into during this next stretch of cold winter days.  And that is certainly true--I'm ready to get cozy.

There is, however, another more personal reason behind this series that I thought I would share with you.  Because nesting--at least in the animal kingdom--has a very specific purpose beyond just comfort.  It is specifically designed to create a safe and cozy space for children.

No, I'm not expecting.  But I'd like to be.  The truth is, my husband and I have been trying to start a family for quite some time--certainly longer than I thought we would be, and much longer than I've been comfortable with.  And, as some of you might know, waiting for a child can be a long and hard process.  I'll admit to spending more than a few days feeling depressed and anxious over the past couple of years.  And though it may seem like an unorthodox approach, this nesting series is part of my "waiting therapy."

I share this personal detail with you because, one--I want to be real about my life and the challenges and successes I face.  And two--because perhaps some of you can relate.  I also share this because preparing for motherhood, or being in the throes of it, is a distinctly female experience that I would like to share with other women.  

If you are worried that this blog will become a mother's-only stop--don't.  My favorite topics will always be creating a home, practicing mindfulness with my resources, encouraging entrepreneurialism, and striving to be an economic and community leader, and all of these things can be done with or without motherhood.  But I just wanted you all to know where I was coming from with this Nesting series so you won't be surprised or curious if the "b" word (baby) comes up, because it will.

I also hope that it will be a great series for you to get to know me more, and so that I can get to know more of you.  Maybe you can relate to what I'm going through, or maybe the idea of nesting sounds appealing.  Please share your thoughts with my anytime, by commenting here or emailing me at shillberry@comcast.net.

Come back later today to be reintroduced to 2008's Marketplace Mavens, and maybe be inspired to send me your Maven story!  Read more this afternoon!

Or come back tomorrow for more Nesting, starting with my much needed office makeover! (remember I said creating a cozy home!)

Multidimensional Mothers

I just finished posting on my other blog, Cigars in the Parlour (on current events), about the 17 teenage pregnancies from one high school in Massachusetts, and it got me thinking about motherhood.  Okay, that and the baby zone I'm currently living in among my family and friends (you know, where everyone around you is having babies).  

It is true that I am not a mother yet, but I have spent a considerable amount of time thinking about the kind of person I want to be when I become one.  I am relieved, for one, that I'm well past the age of the aforementioned teens.  Who wants such a huge responsibility at such a young age?  They didn't even have a chance to figure out who they want to be as adults, much less as moms.  I, on the other hand, have had some time to figure out who I want to be as a grown up.

Probably most of you have come to the same conclusions that I have.  I want to be a mother, but also more than that.  Though I'm sure I'll want to have playdates and will talk endlessly about my kids, I also want to have responsibilities and passions outside of my children.  I don't know many women who feel differently.  

Fortunately for us women, we have been gifted with the unique ability to juggle many identities at once.  Mother.  Wife.  Friend.  Employee.  Volunteer.  Activist.  Leader.  I'm not sure we could be solely defined by one role even if we wanted to (I make an exception for women who've just had babies--you're pretty much just "mom," even if you wanted to do more.).  

It is this multidimensional quality that also makes us women great community leaders (a subject I will be focusing a lot on in the months to come).  In fact, right now I'm in the process of developing tools for women who want to tap even more into their leadership--particularly mothers.  So, if you have any great stories--or maybe your own personal testimony--of how you've become a multidimensional mother leading in your town, please email me at shillberry@comcast.net.  I'd love to hear from you!  Maybe you can become a great role model for those teenage moms in Massachusetts!