Thursday, July 16, 2009

12-Step Program

Yesterday’s post about fudge butter cake had me a little convicted. Not because I feel guilty about indulging in something as lovely as homemade cake with gooey chocolate frosting (because, really, life is too short to feel guilty about that kind of thing), but because I have been eating rather poorly lately as a whole, scrumptious desserts aside.

Poorly as in far too much intake of meat and bread
(think typical summer fare of hot dogs and hamburgers) and far too little of the fruit and vegetable
variety. So this morning I decided to enact a plan to remedy this.

It goes like this:

step 1:
go to the grocery store and load up on fre
sh fruits, veggies, fish and nuts.

step 2:
deliberate in length about the buy-one-get-one-free offer on London broil steaks. On the one hand, they are a freakin’ good price. On
the other hand, they encourage the eating of tasty red meats hot from the grill.

step 3:
buy the steaks. Who are you kidding? At $2.00/lb., you’re nuts not to! However, plot immediately to hide them in the bottom of the freez
er and ration them slowly to hungry, meat-eating husband.
step 4: cart the groceries home and unpack them onto the counter.

step 5:
open the fridge and assess the damage. T
here will be a lot of it. Do not be alarmed.

step 6:
begin the ancient ritual known as Th
e Refrigerator Purge. Start slowly and pace yourself. Aim for the items in the front first, leaving the scarier, more threatening containers dwelling in the back corners for later.

step 7:
discard all curdled milk products, molded breads, and fuzzy cheeses. Likewise, toss all slimy lettuces, soggy fruits, and shriveled citr
us. Promise to do better next time.
step 8: agonize deeply over a variety of leftovers judiciously portioned into tupperware. Practice letting go by stopping to remember how lovely they were the day you made them. Savor the memory. Linger on the smell. Imagine the taste. Then snap out of it-- realize that if they haven’t been eaten in the two weeks since they were cooked, they probably won’t be--and throw them away!

step 9:
take some deep gulps, muster your strength, and pull out those long forgotten containers in the back. Walk slowly...ever so the sink. Carefully open the lid, holding your breath. You might want to look away. Turn on the water a
nd the disposal and rinse, all the while not breathing, and perhaps with your eyes closed. Try to think of happy thoughts. Repeat this until all suspect containers are emptied.

step 10:
wipe down all refrigerator surfaces. Remove the crisper drawers. Curse loudly at the vibrant hot pink goo puddled in the bottom, wondering silently how sweet-and-sour-sauce could turn that color. When sparkly, put drawers and she
lves back into place.
step 11: happily load fresh new groceries into sparkly refrigerator, making earnest commitments to keep it clean and to eat everything before fuzz and/or slime appears.

step 12:
enjoy a piece of fudge butter cake to celebrate.

Previous Retro Summer Eatin' Posts:

Three-Day-Weekend Scones
Ode to Peas

1 comment:

  1. That is too funny - Been there - now I just need to clean up the hot pink goo!! :)


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